A Mesopotamia Alphabet

(Published in the "Newton and Earlestown Guardian" on February 23rd 1917)

A was an apple that grew, so they say
In the Garden of Eden down Kurna way,
Till Eve came along and ate it one day
And got thrown out of Mesopotamia.

B is the biscuit that’s made in Delhi,
It breaks your teeth and bruises your belli,
And grinds your intestines into jelli,
In the land of Mesopotamia.

C is the poor old Indian Corps
Which went to France and fought in the War,
Now it gathers the corp’s and fights no more,
In the land of Mesopotamia.

D is the digging we’ve all of us done,
Since first we started to fight the Hun,
And by now we’ve shifted ten thousand ton
Of Mutti, in Mesopotamia.

E was in energy shown by the staff,
Before the much advertised Hanna strafe,
Yet the net results was the Turks had a laugh
At our staff in Mesopotamia.

F stands for Fritz, who flies in the sky,
To bring the Brute down we’ve had many a try,
Yet the shells that we shoot at him all pass him by,
And fall on Mesopotamia.

G is the grazing we do all the day,
We fervently hope that some day we may
Get issued again with a ration of hay,
Although we’re in Mesopotamia.

H are the Harems – which, it appears,
Have flourished in Baghdad for hundreds of years.
We propose to annex all the Destitute Dears
When their husbands die in Mesopotamia.

I is the Indian Government … but … but
On this subject I’m told I must keep my mouth shut,
For it’s all due to them that we didn’t reach Kut-
El-Amara, in Mesopotamia.

J is the jam with the German label that lies, lies, lies,
And states that in “Berlin” it won the first prize,
But out here we use it for catching the flies,
That swarm in Mesopotamia.

K are the kisses from lips sweet and fair
Waiting for us around Leicester Square
When we wend our way home after wasting a year
Or two in Mesopotamia.

L is the loot which we hope we shall seize,
Wives, and wine, and bags of rupees,
When the Mayor of Baghdad hands over his keys
To the British in Mesopotamia.

M is the local mosquito whose bite
Keeps us awake all the hours of the night
And makes all our faces a horrible sight,
In this land of Mesopotamia.

N is the Navy that’s tied to the shore,
They’ve lashings of beer and stores galore.
Oh! I wish I’d joined the Fighting Navy before
I came to Mesopotamia.

O are the Orders we get from the Corps.
“Thank God” by now we are perfectly sure
If issued at three, they’ll be cancelled at four,
By the Muddlers in Mesopotamia.

P are the Postal Officials who fail
To deliver each week more than half of our mail;
If they had their deserts they would all be in jail –
Instead of Mesopotamia.

Q’s the quinine, which we take every day
To keep the Malarial fever away,
Which we’re bound to get sooner later they say
If we stop in Mesopotamia.

R are the rations they give us to eat –
For breakfast there’s biscuits; for dinner there’s meat,
And if we’ve been good we get jam for a treat
With our tea in Mesopotamia.

S & T are supposed to supply, “God forbid,”
The Army with food – we all hope when they die
They all go to a place as hot as H--- and as dry
As this horrible Mesopotamia.

U is the lake called Um-El-Brahm,
Which guards our flank from all possible harm,
And waters General Garange’s barley farm,
In the middle of Mesopotamia.

V was the victory won at Dujailah,
I heard it first from a friend who’s a sailor,
Who read it in Reuter’s on board his Mahela,
On the Tigris in Mesopotamia.

W stands for wonder and pain,
With which we regard the infirm and insane
Indian Generals who kind the campaign
Which we’re waging in Mesopotamia.

X are the Extras the Corps say we get
But so far there isn’t a unit I’ve met
That has drawn a single one of them yet
Since they landed in Mesopotamia.

Y is the yearning we feel every day
For a passage to Busra, and then to Bombay –
If we get there we’ll see that we stop right away
From this wilderness, Mesopotamia.

Z. I tried very hard, and at last I hit
On a verse which the letter “Z” would fit,
But the Censor deleted every bit,
Save the last words “for God’s sake - Mesopotamia.”